PPC: An Elf's Love
by meekerbeeker
Summary: PPC Agents Sarah and Alana are out to kill Rose, a Mary Sue with a ridiculously tragic past, a pet tiger, a prophesy, and special 'Sun Child' powers. How long will they hold out before they strangle her perfect, lovely neck?
1. Part 1

The Author's Note: Yes, it's been a long time. Many personal and computer issues have been dealt with. I've not had time or interest for fanfiction. However, I'm looking forward to getting back into the loop. Here's the next installation of my Killing Mary-Sues Saga. If you haven't read my first one, I would suggest you do so to get an idea of what's going on.

Disclaimer: I don't own Lord of the Rings or the PPC, and Eru forbid I own the original fanfiction this is based on. If you want to read the original, it can be found in my profile.

* * *

Chapter 1 

Alana patted the warg as she made her way through the halls of the PPC. It was surprising how few stares she attracted along the way. Agents of the PPC have seen everything… and they get used to it, or go insane. A very frequent occurrence.

Alana had long since learned that if one wanted to find something in Headquarters, the best thing to do was to not look for it. This logic might not make sense to some, but the greyness of the endless hallways made it quite difficult to get anywhere in particular. Reminding herself of this, she hummed Vivaldi's Spring to herself as she passed a haggard looking agent dragging an extremely distressed monkey and a humanoid figure with an octopus head (who nodded cordially as she passed).

An elevator and several hallways later, she arrived in front of a grey door. Feeling it would be best to knock, she politely lifted a practical, unattractive combat boot and kicked the door several times before unceremoniously thrusting it open, tugging the warg's leash (for which she had managed to locate a chain discarded from a disturbingly Dominatrix-ish Sue) after her.

A very surprised sunflower sporting a business suit looked up from the paperwork it was currently examining(?). _Ah. Agent Alana. With what have you come to brighten my day?_ It seemed remarkably calm. If it hadn't been a sunflower, Alana would have sworn she heard an edgy tone to its… voice. Of course, she _had _just walked in spattered with orc and Mary-Sue blood and leading a full-grown warg.

"Yeah, wellIfoundthiswargonamissionandshewasflashinggreenaroundthemarysueandshesavedmylifeandcanIkeepher?"

_I see. Well, it could be useful for our research teams t—_

"No. She's not going to be dissected. I want to keep her."

_And have you considered how you will care for this… thing?_

"I'll potty train her. And feed her live Mary-Sues. And cafeteria meat."

_Very well… I know I'm going to regret this, but…_

"Great! And can I have a raise?"

_OUT!_

* * *

Sarah was meanwhile holding the bloody scalp several feet in front of her, an expression of disgust written on her face. Many things did not gross her out. She could still recall the class in eighth grade where she had an entire cow heart to dissect to herself, as everyone else couldn't bear to do it. But hair… hair was different. And hair with skin clinging to it was worse. 

As she pushed open the door to Makes-Things's lab with one arm, there was a clatter and a young Asian man swiftly disappeared behind a pile of broken computers. "It's just me," said Sarah in a too-cheerful voice. "So, you have a girlfriend?"

"Go away." His voice sounded muffled.

"Right… 'cause I was wondering if you might want to go out some time."

"Go away."

"Ok, ok. Just… I need to put this thing somewhere for Alana."

"Oh, _she's _your new partner is she?

Sarah considered this. Why she had to think about it is a mystery. It probably had something to do with her brain's tendency to slow down when she was deprived of sleep. "Yeah, she is."

"You'll want the lamp at the back of the room then. Right corner." His head cautiously appeared. "And tell her to get the others. I don't enjoy looking at them every time I have to go back there."

Sarah saw that three other scalps were laid neatly in a row. "Will do." With a flirtatious smile that served to disturb him greatly, she headed back to their response center. A shower was in order. A shower, then a nice nap.

* * *

BEEEEEEEEEP! 

Sarah's head jerked upwards. Apparently, the loud rock music blasting from her ipod hadn't been enough to drown out the noise. Attempting to untangle herself from the headphones, she wrinkled her nose and glanced around. Alana, who was far quicker upon awakening, had hopped off of the bear rug on the ground and was now checking the screen.

"What _is_ that smell?"

"It's sloppy joe day at the cafeteria. They gave me the leftovers to feed Zenith."

"Zenith?"

"She has a name you know."

"Oh, _that_ Zenith." Sarah glanced over at the warg, who was happily snoozing on a pile of blankets in a corner beside an empty vat. "What are you going to do with her while we're gone anyway? She can't come with us."

"What'sHerFace agreed to look after her. She does assistant work in the Legal Department, so she has a lot of time on her hands… _and _she's telepathic, so she can teach Zenith not to crap in here. Recruited Mary-Sue's evil twin or something. Kept trying to bump the lovely elven maid off, so they hired her."

"Wonder what it would be like to have time on your hands…"

"Oh, and what on earth did you _do _to the walls?"

Sarah looked at her side of the room thoughtfully. Although the majority of her things had remained in her bags, the wall was now plastered with posters featuring Lord of the Rings, Jack Sparrow, and several of her favourite bands. "Decorated it."

"If you could call it that…"

"I could. And I do."

"Right. Well, we're looking at another Legomance-" She stopped short. And then cursed.

"What's wrong? Besides the obvious I mean."

"I… I don't even know where to begin. It seems she's twenty-two, and… and still in high school." There was a long silence, finally broken by Sarah's hysterical laughter.

"You've got to be shitting me."

"And she's beautiful. And she gets straight A's. And she's captain of the track team. And abused by her parents. And hated by her peers. And brilliant at archery. And singing. And fencing-"

"Stop. Just stop."

Alana's fingers flew over the keys. "Disguise…" she mumbled. "Where'd be best to get her? We probably can kill her off in Rivendell, we'll have accumulated enough for a charge list by then. Elves I s'pose."

"Ooooh, I want to be of the Noldor."

"Fine. Get your stuff. And bring your ipod… she sings constantly."

Stuffing a few last minute essentials into her bag (such as beef jerky and corn nuts… _very _essential), Sarah slung it over her shoulder with a cheerful whistle. Alana eyed her balefully for a moment, wondering what her partner was so damn cheerful about, before punching up the portal and stepping through. At least she'd get to kill something.

When they materialised, they found themselves in the midst of a flashback. Their Sue had found an escaped White Siberian cub, and was nursing it back to health. It sort of made you want to hurl.

"Do we have to be here?" whispered Sarah. As it was a flashback, the Mary-Sue couldn't see or hear them, but she was rather overcome by the Sueness of it all. It was truly dreadful.

"It sets up her stupid, illogical, ridiculously angsty background," Alana muttered, tying back her now silver hair (she had decided to disguise herself as a Teleri, being quite fond of their ships).

Sarah squinted at the Rose-Kat thing (the author couldn't seem to decide what her character's name was). "What's wrong with her skin?"

"'Her skin tone is peach, but also has a little marble color added to it'," Alana read aloud. "You know what colour marbled is?"

"Isn't it… well, aren't there lots of colours of marble?"

"Exactly. Her skin can't decide what kind of marble it is."

"Weird."

There was a jolt, and they snapped out of the flashback into reality. After they had safely positions themselves outside her window, Sarah grimaced. "I hate flashbacks with bad transitions. They give me a headache."

"You haven't had a headache 'til you've been through some of the Time and Spatial Distortions these sort of stories end up with. They're _awful_."

There was another flashback, this one more pointless than the first, showing how _loyal_ her precious little pet was to her and their _speshul_ little bond. The agents made themselves comfortable as the Mary-Sue thought about her miserable little life.

**_At school, it was no different. Even though she's very sweet to people, they would treat her like she was the dirt of the Earth. They would ignore her, push her, take her things, threw food at her and she took this from them, even though she was sad that no one would stop to get to know her…They bullied her because she was into fantasy books and because she got straight A's in her classes._**

"Sarah, have you ever been a straight A student?"

Sarah, who was sprawled out on the grass with her copy of the Silmarillion, laughed. "Me? Dude, I'm on Ritalin for a reason. I did well after I was diagnosed with ADD and treated, but I had to work at it. Why?"

"Because _I_ was. Granted, I never took any Advanced Placement courses or anything like that, but I did well. I was… well, not captain, we didn't have a captain, but I did track. I was damn good at it because of my long legs and stamina. And I liked fantasy books. And for _some unknown reason_, my classmates didn't hate me. Hell, some of the jocks asked me for help with their homework. And I wasn't even sweet to people."

"No kidding. Threw food at her? Honestly, that's like… fourth grade."

"And she's pretty. Guys would be queuing up to go out with her, because teenage guys are shallow like that. They wouldn't care about her obnoxious personality."

"You know, I don't really blame her parents for abusing her. I know it sounds horrible, but they should get a medal. She's annoying as hell."

Alana, who was reading ahead, sighed heavily. "You know, she falls asleep for a few hours. We're skipping ahead to Middle Earth."

"Righto."

* * *

The Author's Note: Reviews and constructive criticism are appreciated. I don't write just for reviews, so I'm not going to threaten anyone with a 'I'll post the next chapter when I get however many reviews'. But if you've read this and liked it, a simple 'Nice story, keep going', would be great. Flames will be used to roast Mary Sue's cute widdle animal friends. 


	2. Part 2

Disclaimer: I don't own Lord of the Rings or the PPC, and Eru forbid I own the original fanfiction this is based on. If you want to read the original, it can be found in my profile.

* * *

Chapter 2 

As Alana and Sarah stepped through the portal, they found themselves in the wild, not far from the hobbits and Aragorn. It was movie verse, but a far cry better from any original plot that their Suethor could come up with. Suddenly (cutting off Sarah's personal favourite hobbit/Aragorn interaction), there was a flash of light. And then It came.

Canon characters cannot see PPC assassins unless they call attention to themselves, or if they are pointed out by a non-canon character. This provides an opportunity for them to get close to their lust objects… although they are, of course, far too well trained to drool. Sarah reluctantly stepped away from the hobbits and joined Alana behind a bush, resigning herself to the dreadful story line.

_**Her shirt was black with the words "90 Angel" in silver sparkle in the front. She also wore a blue jean short-sleeved jacket that had a zipper in the middle. And she was wearing tight black leather pants.**_

"Why do they have to describe her clothing every other sentence? _Nobody cares_."

"And it's not as if she even has good fashion sense," muttered Alana. "How can she afford leather pants anyway?"

"She's a genius remember?"

"Oh yes. A twenty-two year old high school genius."

**_They all gasped as the animal slowly opened its dazed eyes. It looked up at the strange people and growled as it raised itself into a crouched position. They all stepped away as it climbed to its feet and as it shook its head to get its eyes cleared and looked around, spotting the girl. It ran to her side and nuzzles_** – here, the two agents winced as everything snapped into present tense. It is difficult to explain the sensation if you have never experienced it, but it can best be described as being shoved from a hot tub into a freezing cold lake, suddenly plunged about fifty feet under without being able to clear your ears, and then hit in the head for good measure. **_- into her neck, slightly pushing and purring. When the girl doesn't respond, the animal pushes at her neck a little harder and purrs louder._**

Alana bit her tongue very hard to prevent herself from doing something she would regret. Sarah absentmindedly shredded a leaf beside her. "You know," she whispered as **_he grabbed a chunk of Aragorn's clothes and pulled him towards the young woman_**. "The tiger's not very smart is he? He mistrusted Aragorn and the hobbits for all of what, ten seconds?"

Alana paid no attention. "How did it manage to grab a 'chunk' of clothing?"

"I hate these stories."

They cautiously followed the group at a short distance behind, Alana attempting to read ahead and walk simultaneously. "I don't want to follow them into the marshes," muttered Sarah after a good twenty minutes of this. "I don't like midges. They _itch_."

Alana stared coldly at her partner. The story had put her in a foul mood. "There's some nice little instant attachment with our Sue and the others, and then six days that go by without very much description. If you can't handle a few midges, we can skip past them right now."

"Alana, don't be like that," Sarah said reproachfully.

"Me? Don't _be _like that?!!" Alana hissed furiously, so upset that she began using multiple punctuation marks. "Have you _read_ this story?"

"Well, there hasn't been very much time…" said Sarah timidly. She hadn't encountered this sort of violent reaction from her new partner yet, and she wasn't sure how to deal with it. Had it not been _Alana_, Sarah would have sworn she was close to tears.

"Well I just skimmed through it. And the author… and I use the term loosely here… just put up a new chapter." Alana's voice was now trembling with rage. The ugly expression currently gracing her face looked quite out of place on her newly elven features.

"And…"

"And do you know what she does to Boromir?! Right before he dies, right after he's tempted by the ring? SHE MAKES HIM TRY TO RAPE HER!!!!" It was just as well that they were at a distance from the others, because the older agent's voice had risen considerably.

"Shhhhh! I know it's bad, but we don't want them to hear us." Sarah was feeling quite useless. She was used to being the spastic, unpredictable one. Now in the opposing position, she wasn't quite sure what to do. "Listen, we'll kill her, we'll make sure she suffers, okay? But we've got to get through this mission. I'm… I'll go watch them bond, then we'll portal to Weathertop a couple of hours before they get there, ok?"

There was no response. Sarah hastily left the assassin where she was and headed over to the group, where Rose was just awakening.

_**Rose smiled and started petting Bijan, making sure to rub him behind his ear. Bijan, enjoying the attention, closed his eyes and moved his head closer to Rose's hand as he began to purr. Merry and Pippin were "oohing" and "awing" at the sound of Bijan's purring.**_

"If the author could write well, this story wouldn't be so bad," Sarah mumbled to nobody in particular. "Wait, I change my mind, it would." Having seen all that she needed to, she returned to her homicidal colleague, praying that Alana had cooled down somewhat. She was not entirely disappointed. Alana's fiery vehemence seemed to have turned to a cold fury. Cold, but deadly.

"You doing ok?"

Alana turned toward her concerned partner and smiled. Not a nice smile. It strongly resembled the expression on a homicidal maniac just before slitting its victim's throat. Menacing. _Extremely _disturbing. "Sarah. Do you know what I'm going to do to her?"

"Erm… No?" said Sarah nervously.

"She wants to be raped and beaten and tortured? Fine. First I'm going to give her to a bunch of orcs. Maybe Uruk-Hai if they're not sterile. And then I'm going to peel all of the skin off of her. And then-"

"Got it. Great. Sounds good. I'll get pictures. Let's go shall we?" And grabbing Alana's arm, she seized the Remote Activator from the distraught assassin's grip and punched in the coordinates. A portal appeared, and Sarah firmly steered them both through. This was going to be a long mission.

* * *

"I'm fine now. Go away," snapped Alana. Sarah had been trying her very best for the past half hour to engage her in conversation. The younger assassin had the terrible habit of talking about whatever was upsetting the other person most at that moment. Subconsciously, she probably thought it made conversation far more interesting. Thankfully, Alana hadn't taken the bait, or she might have been worked up into such a state that the Sue would, this very moment, be dead. While this might seem to be a _good_ thing, Upstairs frowned upon Mary-Sues being killed without being charged. 

Night was falling, and the hobbits were asleep in the watchtower. Alana, having snapped back into her silent-but-deadly mode, beckoned to Sarah. They quietly crept up so that they had a good view of everything that was going on. Making herself comfortable, Sarah began to search through her pack. "Corn nuts?"

"No thank you."

They looked on grimly as the Nazgûl arrived. The scene was fairly normal, save for the Siberian tiger attempting to attack them. He was quickly thrown aside, and everything was going perfectly until…

"_**HEY UGLY!"**_

"Ooooh, that was a seriously _scorching_ insult."

_**The Nazgûls stopped as they, along with the now conscious Hobbits, looked up and saw Rose. Her face's hard and eyes cold with hatred. They all watched amazed as Rose jumped and flipped, landing in front of them, standing protectively in front of Frodo, her Elvin blades drawn and in her hands. In the moonlight, her blades glistened. The Witch-King and the other Nazgûls stared at her. Then Witch-King stepped forward, slowly followed by the others.**_

"And the moment we've all been waiting for… the appearance of Warrior!Sue," sighed Alana. She couldn't take this anymore. She just wanted to strangle the Thing and get it over with. The pair looked on bemusedly as Rose proceeded to prove herself quite a match for the Witch King, and then take the Morgul blade for Frodo.

"**_ROSE/KAT!" Frodo cried._**

The assassins sniggered.

Apparently Aragorn had been standing in the background for the past five minutes, for only now did he appear and set fire to the wraiths.

"Let's go," whispered Alana. "From here to Rivendell it's all exactly like the movie, except with… uh… Rose/Kat dying instead of Frodo, and an occasional groveling hobbit. And I don't want to hear the author's note inserted into the story, they always hurt my ears. And being an elf won't help matters."

"I heartily agree. Lead on Captain."

* * *

The Author's Note: I know this chapter was a little short. I wasn't planning on updating until tomorrow due to the huge chemistry exam I ought to be studying for at this very moment. However, after our favourite Suethor's latest update, I felt I needed to put up _something_. It was horrible, absolutely horrible. If you get a chance, go to my profile and click on the link to the original story. You don't have to read through the whole thing, just go to Chapter 15 and read it through. And then, for the love of Tolkien, flame her. If you have to, do it instead of reviewing this story. It's… it's terrible. 'Nough said. 


	3. Part 3

Disclaimer: I don't own Lord of the Rings or the PPC, and Eru forbid I own the original fanfiction this is based on. If you want to read the original, it can be found in my profile.

* * *

Chapter 3

"Ok, so she's due to wake up, right about… now."

The assassins no longer needed to be concerned about being noticed. Unless pointed out by Miss Mary-Sue herself, they would not be spotted by any resident of Imladris. And it was doubtful that Rose/Kat (whom Alana had dubbed 'Gurth en Canon' – Sindarin for 'Death of Canon'. As there was no direct translation for the word 'canon' she had to make do with what she had. They both thought it quite appropriate.) could tell the difference between a troll and an Uruk-Hai, much less between elves of different ancestries. However, they had settled just outside of her window in order to watch the dismal awakening scene.

_**Rose slowly opened her eyes to see herself lying in a white bed. She looked down to her right and saw Bijan, sleeping. She smiled and he somehow knew she was awake that he awoke and jumped onto the bed and licked her face.**_

"Did the author even bother to read that aloud to herself? Because she would have known how… bad it is. How much it doesn't make sense. She saw herself lying… aside from the grammar, is her spirit disconnected from her body? Because I don't see a mirror anywhere."

"The precious needssss commas, yes we does," mumbled Sarah, rocking back and forth. "But where the commassss are, precious doesn't knows."

"_**Where am I?" Rose says half-sleep.**_

The agents had braced themselves for the snap into present tense, but it didn't make the transition any easier. "Precious needssss Advils."

Alana closed her eyes and sank to the ground, laying her head back against the stone wall. She had killed many, many Sues in her years with the PPC. But this… this _atrocity_, had to be among the worst. If it hadn't been so long, she would have sworn it was a parody. And the Boromir bit had driven her over the edge. One of many edges. No author had a right to do this to Tolkien's work.

They watched Rose act as though she had known Gandalf for her entire life, and the hobbits enter the room.

_**Rose looks at Frodo to see him looking down. Rose gently lays a hand on his shoulder. Frodo looks up. She was little taken back by the emotions that plagued his eyes. There was anguish, grief, and regret. She smiled weakly at him, which he nervously returned.**_

"_**It's not your fault, Frodo." She coos. "I didn't want you to be stabbed and have to bear that kind of pain." She smiles. "I'm glad it was me and not you." Frodo smiles wider. She then hugged him, Frodo being careful at her wound.**_

Sarah's left eye twitched. Alana mimed throwing up.

"It vaguely says something about when she was healed," said Sarah, standing up and brushing the grass she had been listlessly uprooting off of her lap. "I dunno when that will be, so do you think we should-"

And then she fell through a plothole. Alana, quite familiar with them by now, followed. They landed with a thump not far from Rose and Bilbo.

_**Today, she was wearing a white dress that went to the floor, yet she didn't trip. It was outlined with gold lining. Her hair was that in a French twist.**_

"Stop. Describing. Your. Bloody. Clothes."

"We've got to find Elrond and Gandalf," whispered Alana.

"Isn't it where they were talking, in the movie… wherever that is?"

It was a very incoherent statement, but Alana understood. "Follow," she said sharply.

Now without fear of being noticed, the agents trailed Gandalf and Elrond a few feet behind. Any happiness that they might have felt at being back in Rivendell was quickly extinguished as they listened to the discussion between the two concerning how _special_ she was.

**_Elrond looks at Gandalf. "She's the prophesied one. She's a Sun child." Gandalf raises an eyebrow. "She was born on the day when the planets and the sun aligned." Elrond continues. "Once she reaches her 23rd birthday, her true form will be revealed. It is she that will bring the downfall of Sauron."_**

"Let me guess… an elf. I haven't even read that far. But I'll bet anything her 'true form' is an elf."

Alana shook her head and sighed. "Let's get food." The assassins walked out into the sunlight, trying to ignore the hobbits fawning over Rose fifty feet away. Sarah was wondering if walking all of the way back to the tree where they had their equipment to get Advil would be worth the effort, when she spotted Boromir.

So did Mary-Sue.

**_As Boromir got from his stead, he looked around and stopped on Rose. He inhaled deeply. "She's so beautiful!" He thought. "I must have her!" _**

_**He smiled at her; she looked away and returned her attention back to the Hobbits.**_

_**He smiled wickedly.**_

"Nice 'stead'" whispered Sarah, attempting to keep the mood light.

If looks could kill, 'Rose/Kat' would be dead, judging by the expression on Alana's face. She shakily took out her Canon Analysis Device and pointed it at Boromir.

_Boromir. Human Male. Canon/noncanon/canonnon. Out of Character 19834.88947Great-Auntumbrella!!errorPress/Onefor/Morepie_

And then it went blank.

Alana shook it disbelievingly. "It died."

"Makes-Things isn't going to be happy."

_**Who came next took her breath away. This one had long blonde hair that went past his shoulders. Some of his hair's braided. He has beautiful cerulean eyes, sometimes they darkened and some people were in trance when they looked upon them.**_

"How much you want to bet the author came up with the word 'cerulean' when she looked up 'blue' in the thesaurus?" Sarah muttered. Alana remained silently furious.

_**His ears are pointy!**_

"No shit. You're in Rivendell."

Sarah's mind went to a happy place. "'Now we've got to remain completely inconspicuous. Oh my God, it's Jackie Chan! Oh my God, it's Jackie Chan! Oh my God, it's Jackie Chan!' 'Always nice to meet a fan. Oh my God, you're Ethan Hawk! Oh my God-'"

"Sarah?"

"Yeah?"

"Shut up."

_**His skin tone was like marble, but had a slight pink tone to it. He has bow in his hand and arrows in the bag that was on his back. He wore a brown cloak over his shirt. He had gracefully leapt from his horse and looked around Rivendell in awe.**_

"I don't understand what's with her and marble skin, but it's bugging the hell out of me."

"Oh my… oh. Wow. It's so… so cheesy. So awful. How is this not a parody?

"What?"

Alana cleared her throat and began to read aloud, her voice adapting an overly-dramatic tone to match the quote. "He suddenly felt her soul call out to him and in return he responded gently. As soon as his soul touched hers, he felt complete and whole. He had felt an instant bond with her. He then saw Aragorn coming to him. And the spell was broken. He felt his soul return to him and felt a hole in his heart. He took one last longing glance at the woman, feeling happiness flow through him as he gazed at her-"

"Now it's your turn to shut up. Let's go get food. We won't be missing anything?"

"Not unless you call her playing grabass with Pippin and running into Legolas missing something."

"Let's eat."

"You mean, you don't want to wait for the ball? We'll get to see her dress that-" here, Alana cleared her throat and read aloud; "resembled that of Galadriel's dress, but a light emerald color. It was low cut to where it showed some of her chest, yet not too much."

Sarah shuddered. "Let's eat."

* * *

The two assassins settled themselves at a table in the 'Dining Hall' so that they could keep an eye on the whole affair. Despite having helped themselves to sandwiches fashioned from stolen food in the Rivendell kitchens, they eyed the empty plates in front of them hungrily. It was in the 'Dining Hall', but there had been no mention of food. Alana reached for her MP3 player, while Sarah mimed gagging as she watched Legolas gush over Rose/Kat.

**_Boromir could do was stare at Rose when she entered. "She is so beautiful." _**

_**He had seen her enter the dining hall with the Hobbits and was about to go to her, but Legolas had beaten him to it. He felt rage and jealousy flow through his veins. His rage spiked as he watched Legolas say something to Rose, which he figured, was a compliment and he kissing her hand. Then her blushing and smiling, saying something back.**_

And then Legolas asked her to dance, and everything spiraled out of control. The younger agent glanced over at her partner anxiously, but Alana's eyes were closed. Thank God. Sarah quietly slipped out of her chair.

"_**May I cut in?"**_

_**Both look to see who it was. It was Boromir. He looked from Legolas to Rose, grinning. She didn't know what it was, but Boromir frightened her. It brought back painful memories. Subconsciously, she moved closer to Legolas, whom tightened his grip on her gently. Legolas turned to face the man before him and was about to protest when Rose cut in.**_

"_**I'm sorry, sir, but Legolas is my dance partner." she smiled.**_

"Bitch," Sarah muttered quietly. As Boromir walked away, she quickly caught up to him and grabbed his hand. "My lord. A word?"

The man of Gondor looked toward her, shook his head, and blinked. It seemed as though a fog lifted from his eyes. "Of course Milady." Sarah smiled faintly. Alana was going to kill her, but she couldn't stand to see Boromir like this.

They stepped out of the 'Dining Hall', and Boromir turned to face her. "I don't believe we've met, Lady…"

"Aranel," Sarah said quickly, her face turning slightly red. At least it was a reasonable Elvish name. 'Sarah' meant 'princess', and the translation of princess into Sindarin was Aranel. And she was currently disguised as an elf. It made perfect sense. Or so she reasoned.

"We don't have very much time Milord. I only wish to tell you that that… that _thing_, the thoughts that you think about her are not your fault."

Boromir stared at her in surprise. "How is it that you know?"

"It's called a Mary-Sue. I am hunting it."

"Truly Lady Aranel, I do not understand why I should act the way I do whenever I see her. She is lovely, yes, but now that she is not within my sight, and now that you speak to me… I cannot understand why I would act in such a way."

''Tis an evil spell that she weaves Milord. I know you are a man of honour, and it is not in your nature to act like a… like that. And I swear to you that she will get what she deserves. Only…" Sarah looked at Boromir with pity. It was horrible, what this author was doing to him. "Try to fight it Milord. I believe in you." And with that, she quickly curtsied and hurried away, leaving a rather confused Boromir blinking after her.

"Where have you been?" hissed Alana as Sarah slid back into her seat.

"Making sure it's Boromir."

"What are you talking about?"

"He was so out of character that I had to make sure he wasn't… well, not Boromir." Alana nodded.

"I've had that happen before. Eowyn had been replaced by some awful… thing… pretending to be Eowyn." Alana grimaced. It was odd, but although she adored Faramir, she was terribly protective of Eowyn. Worshiped her really. "She was locked away in the nonexistent dungeon of Rohan. But what did you do?"

"Talked to him."

"What?!"

"It's ok. He won't remember any of it anyway."

"Yes, but-"

Given the option, Sarah would have rather been lectured by Alana and then dunked in a vat of hot oil than deal with what came next. Alas, she had no such choice.

"_**Um," Rose said. "Ladies and gentlemen, I'm going to sing a song that's from my world called "Someday" and I hope you enjoy it."**_

And then it began.

Within five seconds, Sarah had retrieved her ipod, turned it on, and adjusted the volume so that Korn was blasting into her ears, drowning out everything else. Their Sue had whispered a grand total of one small thing to the musicians. Not only did they have to hear her singing, but whatever the musicians were playing, it wasn't 'Someday'. In fact, it clashed horribly.

♪_**Someday,  
when we are wiser  
when the world's older  
when we have learned  
I pray someday we may yet live  
to live and to let live♪**_

"Thumbing through the pages of my fantasies, pushing all the mercy down, down, down…"

Alana was about to jab Sarah in the arm to get her to shut up, but thought better of it. It didn't sound any better with the background music than Mary-Sue's song did, but there was something oddly comforting about it all. Rose's voice was so fake, so Sueish. Sarah's was real, with an occasional off-pitch note (particularly as she was attempting to sing along to Korn), or a note that was a touch too low for her register. It was reasonably good, but it was genuine.

♪_**Someday, life will be fairer  
need will be rarer, and greed will not pay  
God speed this bright millenia on its way  
let it come someday♪**_

"Thumbing through the pages of my fantasies, I'm above you smiling at you - drown, drown, drown. I wanna kill and rape you, the way you raped me. And I'll pull the trigger and you're down, down, down."

It was rather surreal, but oddly appropriate. Alana felt she could forgive her partner for being able to sing so long as she sang about killing, particularly in this setting. As the song ended, Alana tugged the headphones out of Sarah's ears and gestured to her. They slipped out without being noticed.

Sarah fully expected a tongue lashing. To her surprise, Alana only gave a rare, tired smile. "You're all right, even if you _are_ a Mary-Sue."

"Hey, that's _mean_."

"What? You can sing. You've got golden curls. Well, not right now, but you take my point."

"I've been doing vocal training since I was… six. Add that to some raw talent, and I'd better be good. And I can't help having pretty hair."

"Ok, ok. Let's go find a place to sleep, far away from her quarters. She's going to be singing sappy songs for half of the night while Legolas moons over her and… you're going to love this… has a wet dream about her. Or something to that effect. And sleeps in until noon… Gandalf has to douse him with water to wake him up. I love how that makes sense, him being an elf and all. The council is tomorrow. We can kill her off after that."

"Thank God."

* * *

The Author's Note: Thank you to all who flamed that awful story, regardless of whether you did it because of me. I promise Rose/Kat is going to die a painful, horrible death. Apologies for the exchange with Boromir, but I _do _feel sorry for him... and besides, it was necessary. He's so out of character, he might as well not be Boromir. Please review, it'll make me happy. If you have any stories that you'd like me to PPC, feel free to send it to me. 


	4. Part 4

Disclaimer: I don't own Lord of the Rings or the PPC, and Eru forbid I own the original fanfiction this is based on. If you want to read the original, it can be found in my profile.

* * *

Chapter 4

Sarah's eyes opened blearily. Alana was patiently jabbing her arm with a spork. Brushing off the ashes from last night's campfire that had somehow blown onto her sleeping bag, she sat up and stretched. "Anything to eat?" she asked, eyeing the remains of last night's roasted rabbit. It didn't look very appetising.

Alana shook her head, having left off of poking the younger assassin. She was now examining the rabbit skin, which had been cleaned and hung out to dry on a tree branch. It made excellent lining for boots, and Alana hated to waste anything. "You'll have to make do with what you have. But hurry up; the council'll be starting soon. And we have a bit of a walk."

"It's better than having Rose/Kat sing us to sleep."

"Never said it wasn't."

Retrieving some dried fruit and crackers, she rolled up her sleeping bag and followed Alana at a short distance, concentrating on stuffing her face. It was better than thinking about what lay ahead. Mary-Sues always managed to completely ruin the Council of Elrond. And she didn't dare consider the fate of Boromir.

Taking their places amongst the elves, both attempted to adapt a neutral expression on their faces. Sarah's method was to sit on one leg and anxiously peel her fingernails. Alana had left her axe with her things, seeing as it had the potential to attract the Mary-Sue's attention. However, she settled for focusing her attention on polishing her hunting knife vigorously.

"_**Strangers from distant lands, friends of old. You have been summoned here to answer the threat of Mordor. Middle-Earth stands upon the brink of destruction. None can escape it. You will unite or you will fall. Each race is bound to this fate--this one doom." Elrond says and then beckons Frodo to stand. "And we have the pleasure of having the prophesized one with us too. Come forth, Rose and Frodo. Bring forth the Ring, too."**_

"What?! Come forth special prophesied one. Oh yeah, bring the Ring too, that might be important as well."

Alana looked murderous as **_Boromir lustfully looks at Rose. _**Sarah crossed her fingers, biting her lip. "Come on Boromir…"

Apparently, the author had, at this point, entirely forgotten that the council was supposed to be about the Ring judging by the interaction between Boromir and Rose. No longer the _Council of Elrond_, it was now the _Bitching of Rose/Kat_.

"_**Well, you certainly have courage, not many peasants were dare speak back to their superiors," said Boromir. Rose growled.**_

"_**Don't be so shocked. You are a weakly woman compared to anyone above you here, no?" said Boromir.**_

**_Rose narrowed her eyes, "I'm not weak. I bet I can best you at swordplay. I'm not beneath anyone here, especially to a swine like you!"_**

_**Boromir narrowed his eyes to hers. He walked over and got in her face. Legolas had to stop himself from lunging and throwing Boromir away from Rose.**_

"**_You ARE beneath us all!" said Boromir._**

"Here here!" Alana accidentally exclaimed aloud. Thankfully, Rose didn't hear her. Even with Boromir horribly out of character, Alana _still _agreed with him. What she didn't understand was where Mary-Sue authors got the idea that Boromir was some woman-hating jerk.

As he announced that she ought to leave the fighting to the men, she yelled **_"MIERDA HFBRIDO (Spanish words for YOU BASTARD)!" _**and punched him between the eyes. Oddly, as the parenthesis was within the quotes, the Mary-Sue yelled the last part as well as the mangled Spanish. He fell to the ground, and Alana actually leapt to her feet, her eyes blazing. Fearing a relapse, Sarah dragged her partner back to a sitting position and firmly held her down. Ironically, she was whispering almost the exact thing that Aragorn was telling Rose.

"No Alana! She's not worth it." And then, she added, "I'm not sure what language she's speaking. I've studied Spanish through high school and uni as my foreign language, and that sure as hell isn't it."

Sarah was very touchy-feely by nature, and wrapped her arm around the older assassin comfortingly. "It'll be ok. We'll kill her soon enough." Curiously, Alana didn't shove her away. She didn't do anything. She just stared ahead, eyes oddly blank. Concerned, Sarah watched the grim scene unfolding in front of her.

It didn't make sense at all. Boromir loved Mary-Sue… lusted after her, or whatever… but insulted her? Even if one supposed for a moment that he really was just a horny jerk, it still didn't make sense. Guys know that if you want to get into bed with a girl, you nod and smile and pretend that you're very interested in what they have to say. If you're going to entirely redo someone's personality, Sarah reasoned, at least don't make it contradictory.

The council continued as it was supposed to (movie verse of course), aside from the occasional Sun Child reference. But then Rose/Kat had to ruin it all by being dramatic. Apparently, Sauron jumped into her head for no apparent reason when Gimli attempted to strike the ring with his axe.

"_**Aragorn will never take the throne of Gondor." He spoke. "I'll make sure he dies." **_

"**_NEVER!" Rose yelled. "I'll make sure Aragorn takes the throne and you will be destroyed once and for all." _**

**_Sauron growls. "Never! I will rule Middle-Earth with you by my side. You will bear me sons that will conquer Middle-Earth. And no one will stop me from getting you." He smiles evilly. _**

_**Pain suddenly hit her. Roses' eyes bug out and she screamed; clutching her head, eyes tightly shut in pain as Sauron probed her mind. She falls to the ground. Instantly, both Legolas and Aragorn are at her side.**_

Sarah couldn't help it; she cracked up as Rose's eyes 'bugged out'. Aside from the fact that it was amusing to see her in pain, it made the Mary-Sue look like a crazy person. She glanced nervously at her partner, who was still rather unresponsive. Glancing down, she saw that Sauron was describing how he was going to kill Legolas.

**_Sauron laugh. "And for your defiance, I'll leave you a token of my "affections" for you." He then takes his trusty whip and lashes at her, breaking her skin. "You will have no future with the elf. He'll never love you once he knows your secret. I know you fear love and men. YOU'RE MINE!"_**

Apparently, Sauron fancied her as well. How odd.

Then the real dramatics began. Alana suddenly grabbed Sarah's arm as Rose's beautiful golden/turned to white 'aura' combined with Legolas's forest green 'aura'. It was so stupid that it Sarah felt like crying. Alana's mouth was opening and closing soundlessly in horror. Then she swore in seven different languages. Interestingly, Alana only spoke three of these, and was only fluent in two. However, she had taken the time to learn these particular words for such an occasion. Then she gripped Sarah's arm and gestured to the words.

_**He had seen Boromir looking at Rose with greedy and lustful eyes when they saw the wounds.**_

"What is he now, a vampire? Since when does someone check out a girl's… wounds? That's just weird," Sarah muttered. "Wish we could kill the author instead of the Sue." Alana leaned back, her fists clenched in fury.

They watched the rest of the council, only pausing to grimace at Legolas's remarkable immaturity (**_"I'll be friends with Gimli when he auta miqula orqu (go kisses an orc)"_**). It would have been nice to take a reading on Legolas's character rupture, but the brat had broken their CAD. It was safe to say that he was considerably out of character.

"_**You carry the fates of us all little one. If this is indeed the will of the council, then Gondor will see it done." Boromir says as he approaches the group slowly. He stands very close to Rose. She moves close to Legolas, not liking the way he's looking at her. Legolas looks too and doesn't like the way. He slings his arm around her shoulder, being careful of her wounds and brought her closer to him, glaring at Boromir. Boromir glares back, but adverts his eyes.**_

"She can't even write! Did she even stop to read that aloud to herself before posting it? Because… if you're going to have a crappy plotline, at least…" Sarah couldn't finish the sentence. Alana had stood up once more, and it seemed as good a time as any to leave, before she attempted something dire. Sarah didn't care to be stuck with arrows by the surrounding elves.

Dragging Alana away from the Council proved to be no mean feat. She was currently muttering something unintelligible in what Sarah judged to be a mix of Spanish, French, and Elvish. Either way, it didn't make a whole lot of sense. When they were at a safe distance, Sarah finally released her hold and eyed her partner warily, unsure of the assassin's current sanity level. To her alarm, Alana simply stood and stared at nothing. "You ok mate?"

There was a long silence. Finally, Alana spoke, her voice hoarse. "What do you… what do you think? She's completely _ruined _Boromir. She's dramatic, awful… I hate her." Sarah attempted to smile. Had Alana been a close friend, she would probably have hugged her, kissed her on the head, and told her everything would turn out alright. Having her first and only sibling at the age of twelve had brought out a maternal side in her that might not otherwise be there. It had the tendency to show up in moments like these. As it was, Sarah squeezed her arm.

"She'll die. Soon."

* * *

In an attempt to retain their sanity (or lack thereof), the two assassins had settled under a tree with beef jerky, cards, and rum from the PotC universe (which they weren't really supposed to have, seeing as they were working). The cards had been abandoned some time ago in favour of Sarah's favourite drinking/get to know you game, I Never.

"I've never had a tragic past."

Alana took a drink, and Sarah made a face. "And you called _me_ a Mary-Sue!"

"Hey, my older brother died when I was ten. It's not _that _tragic, but we were close. 'Specially since our parents were always working… not a whole lot of time for us."

"I suppose it's better than being beaten by your parents or something. Your turn."

"I've never kissed a girl." Sarah lifted her bottle and took a large gulp.

"Seriously?"

"Yeah. It's nice, girls are generally better at it than guys."

"I'll take your word for it."

"Hey, I don't lust after them or anything. Unless they're Arwen, or in a Victoria's Secret catalogue. Then they're rather nice to look at."

"That goes under the list of too much information." In contrast to Sarah's rather slurred articulation, Alana's voice was perfectly clear. What she hadn't told her partner was that a few years after her brother's death, she had undergone a goth/alcohol and drugs phase. Thankfully the drugs were fairly short lived, and she had straightened herself out when her parents decided to send her to boarding school. Nonetheless, she could hold her alcohol very well.

"I… I never cheated on a boyfriend. With another guy anyway. And I don't think it counts as cheating if your boyfriend's ok with it."

Alana hesitated for a split second, and then took a drink. Sarah smirked at her. The older agent shot Sarah a look that clearly said, 'if you say anything, I'll kill you.' Taking the hint, Sarah shrugged and drained the last of her rum. "We should get… get…"

"Going?"

"That's the one."

Alana frowned slightly, looking down at the story. "A few days until she's fully healed. Then she's back in the story. Don't you have the Remote Activator?"

"Beats me."

"I'm starting to realise why we're not supposed to drink while on duty." Alana grabbed Sarah's pack and began to sort through it. "Why do you have a stuffed dog in here? And a towel?"

"Hey! Don't knock Skittles. He's my friend. And you should always know where your towel is."

Alana chose to ignore this pronouncement. "Found it. At least I know where to go if I need tampons. You have about fifty in here."

"They're useful things now that I'm off of birth control."

Alana made mental note to never give Sarah alcohol again. She punched in the coordinates and a portal opened. "After you."

* * *

Alana had allowed for a few hours prior to their Mary-Sue's awakening to get the alcohol out of her partner's system. Surprisingly, Sarah's sobriety only took about a half of an hour. Apparently, as Sarah explained, this was normal. She became quite drunk quite easily, but it didn't last very long. They were now sitting outside of the Sue's window, watching the various canon characters fawn over her.

"_**Aragorn thinks we need to practice in case we should be attacked by orcs," said Legolas.**_

_**Rose groans, falls back onto her pillows, and covers her eyes with her hand. "Just gggrrrreeeeaaaaatttttt."**_

"I don't get it. Why doesn't she want to practise fighting? I thought she liked it."

"She's a walking contradiction, remember?"

"_**Alright, everyone out!"**_

"_**Why?" Pippin asked as the others left the room.**_

_**She eyes him.**_

"_**I'm not going to change with you watching, am I?" said Rose.**_

"_**Are you?" said Pippin, hopefully.**_

"Eeeeeeewwwww!" This remarkably mature declaration was made by a thoroughly disgusted Sarah. "So _Pippin's_ lusting after her now?!"

Alana just shook her head in disbelief.

They followed the others at a short distance. "Ok, we've got to kill her cute little animal friends. But we've got a problem. Even without the near-rape scene, and the comforting a sobbing, pansy Frodo-"

"WHAT!?!??!"

Alana grimaced at the capitalisation and excessive use of punctuation, but continued. "Regardless of your infatuation with Frodo, we've got to keep going. As I was saying, even without all that… and detailed description of how her parents abused her… we've got enough of a charge list to kill her. That way, Frodo and Boromir won't have to go through all that."

"So what's the problem?"

"The problem is that in Lothlorien, she acquires a _hippogriff_."

"You've got to be kidding me."

"And a random special hawk. But I don't want to sit through the rest of this story just so we can kill them. So one of us can use the portal to find them, kill them, and then come back."

"You go ahead."

"But I get to kill the Sue."

"Of course."

"That leaves you with Bijan."

Sarah stopped in her tracks. "Look… I can't."

"What are you talking about?"

"I can't kill a Siberian Tiger. Special little animal friend or not, I can't do it."

Alana sighed. If she dared to admit it to herself, she didn't really want to either. But it had to be done. "Here's the Remote Activator then. I'm trusting you not to leave me here forever. Go kill the hippogriff and the hawk. Bijan's still in Rose/Kat's room, so I'll take care of him. We'll meet back here in… five minutes, ok?"

"Done."

* * *

It had been easier to take care of the cute animal friends than they had thought it would be. A not-so-intelligent tiger does not expect to be fed poisoned meat by an elf any more than a hippogriff expects to be shot down with an arrow in Lothlorien moments before meeting his Mary-Sue. They were all dead and safely stowed away until the assassins could return to take care of the corpses in a more practical fashion.

Now, the assassins were watching Mary-Sue 'fight' Boromir. It looked more like a gymnastics meet than anything else.

_**She continued to do back-flips as he dove at her.**_

Grimly, they watched as she proceeded to catch his blade in her hands, knock his sword out of his hands, kick him to the ground, and force him to yield.

"_**I made a mistake, milady," he said, "You do have skill with the blade. You have my respect."**_

"That's enough!"

The fellowship looked surprised as two elves strode forward.

"We hail from the Grey Havens, and crave an audience with the Sun Child," proclaimed the elf with silver hair.

Legolas stepped forward, looking protective. "Milady, if you-" But he was interrupted.

Boromir had been staring at the darker-haired elf with a slight frown, as thought trying to recall a memory long forgotten. But his face cleared, and he now spoke up. "Surely you do not mean to say that you do not trust your own kin?"

Rose glared at Boromir. "He didn't say that!"

The first elf cleared her throat. "While I hate to interrupt your bickering, our message is rather important. Could we have a moment alone with the lady?"

Rose/Kat followed them for a short distance. Alana glanced at her partner, who nodded. Swiftly, the older assassin tackled the Mary-Sue to the ground and disarmed her, while Sarah took care of the binding and gagging. Feeling better already, they dragged her to the tree where they kept their things. The Sue became very wide-eyed when she saw the bodies of her cute animal friends and began to struggle, but Alana would have none of that. She kicked Rose/Kat's head sharply, rendering her unconscious.

"I'm going to skin the tiger. Want to help?"

"I'll pass." Sarah watched Alana's work with awe. "How'd you get so good at it?"

"Dad used to take my brother and I hunting with him. Only David wouldn't skin the animals, so Dad taught _me_ how to do it. And after that, it was just a matter of practise."

"She's waking up."

"I'm just about done anyway." Wiping her bloody hands on the Mary-Sue's clothes, Alana gave an eerie smile as she pulled her notebook out of her pocket.

"Rose… or Kat, whatever the hell your name is, it is my duty to charge you with, first and foremost, being a Mary-Sue, describing clothing in ridiculous detail, having a stupid, godawful, unrealistic tragic history including abusive parents and rape, being ridiculously, unrealistically beautiful as well as good at _everything_, having a tiger as a cute animal friend, being stabbed on Weathertop instead of Frodo, causing all canon characters to adore you… and if they are male, lust after you, turning Boromir into a horny sexist bastard, having the whole love at first sight thing with Legolas, having a ridiculously beautiful voice- you _do _realise that some of humanity's most amazing singers would barely come up to par with the elves don't you? Of course you don't- causing everyone to think that you're more important than the ring, being part of a stupid prophesy, being a speshul Sun Child and sought by Sauron, constantly switching present and past tenses, acting ridiculously immature but _still _making Legolas fall in love with you, and… well, this hasn't happened yet, so I don't know if it can technically be part of the charge list, but I'll be damned if I'm going stand by and let it happen… making Boromir try to rape you! For Eru's sake, what is your problem? Any last words? Just kidding, you don't deserve any last words after what you've done to Boromir. But you do get a last eye drop."

And with that, she fished a small, conveniently placed glass bottle out of her pocket. Unscrewing the lid, she poured the contents into the Mary-Sue's eyes.

"And now we play the waiting game."

"What _was _that?"

"Strychnine. In ten or so minutes, all of her muscles are going to spasm. Basically, she'll either die from asphyxiation, if she's lucky, or exhaustion."

"That's wicked cool. How long'll it take?"

"Ages. So let's dump her somewhere."

"And get rid of the hippogriff. And the hawk."

"I was thinking Zenith would appreciate the hawk as a snack. But I think I have an idea." Whistling, Alana opened a portal and hefted the now twitching Sue over her shoulder, along with her gear.

"How am I supposed to carry the hippogriff _and _the tiger pelt?"

Rolling her eyes, Alana took the cute animal friend corpse in her other hand, dragging it along the ground. They stepped through into… Moria. The Bridge of Khazad-Dum to be exact. Alana kicked the body over the edge and motioned to her partner. Deciding it would be best to give up attempting to figure out what was going on, Sarah followed.

They stopped in a dark corner, far from the path of the Fellowship. "She can rot here," Alana said, sounding almost cheerful. Giving the Sue a kind parting kick, she opened another portal. This one lead to their Response Center.

Home.

BEEEEEEEEEP!

"Damn it!"

* * *

The Author's Note: I had a number of ideas for killing the Sue, but all exceeded the rating of this fanfiction, so I stuck with strychnine, a wicked cool poison. Please review, it's nice to know people are reading and liking (or not liking) this story. Constrictive criticism is welcome, and flames will be used creatively. Feel free to send me any stories you would like to see PPC'd… the only criteria is that they must be in the Lord of the Rings category. And a Mary-Sue. Thanks for reading! 


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